When I was officially diagnosed with an eating disorder, I was ambivalent. Part of me wanted to feel better, but I was also terrified of getting better.

I held on to my eating disorder for dear life. It served many purposes, and I couldn’t imagine my life without it.

At that same time, I was falling in love with my best friend and I quickly realized I wanted to build a life together. I knew I couldn’t have both - the life I wanted and my eating disorder. So I started my recovery journey.

Like most who recover from an eating disorder, my recovery was anything but linear. I tried to change but I was scared. My eating disorder felt safe and comfortable, while recovery felt unknown and, quite honestly, terrifying.

I wanted a different life, but still, a part of me wanted my eating disorder more. Sometimes it felt like people were trying to take away the one thing that saved me. And sometimes the more people tried to help, the more resistant and defensive I became.

I was stuck and exhausted, living a life that was far from the one I wanted.

After a lot of time and hard work, I finally learned that I didn’t have to give up my eating disorder self. Instead, I focused on strengthening my healthy self (the part of me that wanted to get better) so that I didn’t need my eating disorder to survive anymore.

Instead of being angry, I approached my eating disorder self with compassion and kindness. I was curious about that part of me and tried to understand what it was trying to communicate. I eventually understood what my eating disorder was doing for me so that I could find other (healthier) ways to meet those needs.

Once I finally learned from that part of me, I didn’t feel the need to hold on so tightly anymore. I started living a life that was in line with my soul and healthy self, instead of living a life in line with my eating disorder self.

I changed my behaviors while building a meaningful life, one that I was proud to recover to. And then I stopped needing my eating disorder to get through the day. It was no longer serving me the way it used to.

I poured my energy into the things I loved, rather than the thing that kept me sick. And then, I recovered. And I know I will never go back.

Soon after I was diagnosed with an eating disorder, my counselor in college handed me Carolyn Costin’s and Gwen Schubert Grabb’s book, “The 8 Keys to Recovery from an Eating Disorder”. It was the first book about eating disorders I had ever read, and I am so glad it was.

I learned so much from Carolyn Costin in the years of my recovery. Her work made sense to me, and every time I re-read it, I learned something new. It was a big part of how I eventually recovered.

Carolyn Costin is a fearless advocate who believes recovered is possible, and those who have recovered can play a unique role in the eating disorder community.

This gave me hope that my lived experience could one day be an asset, not a liability.

I always knew I wanted to devote my life to helping others recover. What I didn’t know is that, many years later, I would have the unbelievable opportunity to train with Carolyn Costin as an Eating Disorder Recovery Coach.

Coaching fills a huge gap in helping individuals heal from an eating disorder. I think for many it is the missing piece to their recovery.

We take all the skills and tools clients have learned and help them implement them in their everyday lives. Most people with an eating disorder know what they need to do, but struggle to consistently follow through with their goals.

Now, as a recovered coach, I use my lived experience and training to help clients implement their goals, find small wins, and build momentum for recovery. I support clients in their recovery while they continue to build a life they love.

I live a beautifully recovered life, one that I never thought possible. And now, as a recovered coach, I can continue to spread hope that full recovery is possible. I recovered, Carolyn recovered, and you or your loved one can recover too.