Your body is not a problem to be fixed
As a recovered eating disorder recovery coach, I promise you that your body is not a problem to be fixed. When I was trapped in my eating disorder, I 100% believed my body was the problem, the only problem, and I believed fixing it was the key to my happiness and recovery.
I thought the size of my body was preventing me from living the life I wanted. I thought the sadness and shame I felt was because of my body, and if I wanted to feel better, the solution was simple: change it.
I thought, if only I looked a certain way, I wouldn’t be ashamed anymore. I wouldn’t be afraid to take up space in this world. I wouldn’t be embarrassed. I thought that if I looked a certain way, only then could I finally be happy, worthy, and lovable.
I thought changing my body would somehow make everything else in my world better, dare I say… perfect.
And so, I wasted years of my life trying to fix my “bad body image” by destroying and punishing myself and my body. I cycled in and out of treatment, always holding on to hope that if my body was different, only then could I recover.
Well let me tell you, this approach didn’t get me very far. The more I treated my body and myself with hatred, the worse I felt about myself, which lead to a cycle of shame and more self-destruction. Hating my body became a distraction from other issues I was too afraid and ashamed to face. So I hyperfixated on something I thought I could change, something I thought would finally make me feel better.
I’m not exactly sure at what point I realized I was wasting my life chasing an unattainable goal, but I wish I had come to this conclusion much earlier in my recovery. I knew that if I wanted things to be different (experience joy & happiness), I needed to do something different.
So I read books about self-compassion and body kindness. I thought others deserved these things but not me. I thought I was different and something about me was inherently wrong or bad. I thought I deserved my eating disorder. But then I asked myself, why? Why was I different? Why did I deserve to do this to myself when it was abundantly clear everyone else should treat themselves with kindness? I didn’t have an answer.
Hating my body didn’t get me anywhere, so I did something different. I shifted my perspective and I started living my life.
I didn’t go from hating my body to loving it… that didn’t feel possible. So I started with baby steps: acceptance (as opposed to resistance, which was very easy for me).
I would wake up and say, “this is what my body is today. I’m not going to change it. I’m going to nourish myself and be kind to my body. I’m going to go live life and pour my energy into the things I love.” And something amazing happened. I felt free and my mind was open enough that I could start experiencing and practicing joy.
Carolyn Costin calls theses “soul moments”. Moments when you can be fully present and experience the world around you without wishing things could be different.
I remember one very distinct moment that truly changed my perspective. I was sitting at a park on Lake Erie in early Spring with my boyfriend. With my Dunkin’ iced coffee, I sat on a blanket, my hand in his. I felt the sun on my face. I listened to waves crash against the rocks. Kids playing. Dogs walking. It was one of the first 50 degree days of the year, and it seemed the entire city was out enjoying the weather - everyone was ecstatic to see the sun after a long winter. Like a beautiful spring day, it was filled with excitement, and what I didn’t realize then: new beginnings.
As I sat there, listening and observing, I felt joy. I felt happiness. I was… content. I felt at peace for the first time in many months. I sat and became an observer of the world around me, and it truly was a catalyst for change.
Before this moment, I had always held on to this belief that I needed to “like” or “love” my body in order to be happy, worthy, and lovable. If I was having a bad day at school or work, I blamed it on my body. If only I was XYZ, then I would be happy.
What I soon realized was that I didn’t need to change my body to experience joy and happiness (unlike the messages diet culture engrain in us from an early age). I realized I could experience the world, and be happy in this life, without changing my body. In fact, accepting my body (whatever it looked like that day) freed up so much mental energy that I could finally open up my mind and my heart to experience the things that had been around me all along.
I stopped trying to “fix” my body and instead focused on creating the life I wanted. I was grateful for life and finally stopped to appreciate all the things I took for granted.
What I learned is that my body was never the problem. It was my perception and attachment to my body that kept me in a smaller (not very fulfilling) life. I was preoccupied with all the things that really didn’t matter, and ignored the things that did. Learning to embrace my body (no matter the size) helped me life a bigger, more meaningful life… one that was finally in line with my values.
When I learned how to practice self-compassion and body kindness, I realized how much control I had over my recovery.
My body was never a problem to be solved or fixed, and yours isn’t either.
If you liked your body, what would you do differently? What would your life look like? Would you travel more? Try different foods? Wear different clothes? You don’t need to wait anymore- do those things now!
So today, what’s one small, kind decision you can make to start creating the life you want?
If you find yourself saying, how did I get here? How did I get to a place where everything feels hard? Remember, you are in control. Do the next right thing… right now.
And if you’re looking to hear from someone else about the importance of putting your body in perspective, read this article about a young woman’s life advice who was dying of cancer. I’ve read this letter more times than I can count, and it always helps me put the things I value in perspective as I continue to build a life I’m proud of. It breaks my heart that she lost her battle to cancer. Yet her impact on the world is incredible, and I believe her words can help us remember that every day is a gift.
So today, be present with your loved ones (or your pets). Do a small act of kindness for a friend and then do one for yourself. Find the beauty in ordinary moments. As Carolyn Costin says, “you are a soul who happens to have a body.”
And as always, keep fighting for your beautifully recovered life.
Hey there, I’m Lizzie, a CCI Certified Eating Disorder Recovery Coach working with clients virtually worldwide. I help individuals heal their relationship with food and their bodies through day-to-day behavior changes and goal setting.
