7 tips for supporting a loved one with an eating disorder
It can be incredibly painful to watch a loved one battle an eating disorder.
If your child, sibling, significant other, or friend, is struggling with their relationship with food and their body, you might be confused, angry, or scared.
Your loved one is smart, brave, and kind, but somewhere along the way, their core self has split in two- their healthy self and their eating disorder self. If you feel helpless or powerless watching your loved one battle their eating disorder self, here are some things you can do to support them. This only just scratches the surface, so I will expand on some of these in the coming weeks.
1. Take care of yourself and lead by example.
Respect, accept, and take care of your own body. You are an important role model for your loved one and they will be looking at your relationship with food and how you treat your body, whether or not you realize it.
Show them what it looks like to have a healthy relationship with food. Eating consistently throughout the day and being kind and gentle with your body will show your loved one that it’s okay for them to eat and nourish their body. If you are struggling with your relationship with food and your body, be kind to yourself and seek help as well.
2. Educate yourself about eating disorders.
Eating disorders are incredibly complex. Learn about what your loved one is going through and stand by them as they challenge their eating disorder self and strengthen their healthy self. My favorite book, which I use as a foundation for recovery coaching with clients, is Carolyn Costin’s 8 Keys to Recovery from an Eating Disorder. I highly recommend reading it if you’d like to understand your loved one’s eating disorder and how you can support their healing journey.
3. Don’t talk about weight, size, or shape.
Don’t talk about anyone’s weight, size, or shape - not yours, theirs, or anyone else’s. It’s a good rule to live by: don’t talk about anyone’s body. If you are concerned about your loved one, do not make it about their weight. Rather, talk about how you’re worried that they’re isolating more, or you notice they don’t spend as much time with their friends. Or talk about how you feel they seem distracted and distant when you do spend time with them.
Eating disorders affect far more than weight. For many people contemplating recovery, part of them probably really wants to get back to their old selves, but a part of them might be terrified of body changes. It’s important to take the emphasis off of weight and onto all of the other areas of life their eating disorder impacts. Help them see what makes them unique and special outside of their physical appearance.
4. Don’t talk about calories, dieting, exercise, or “good” foods and “bad” foods.
It’s important that your loved one learns to see food as more than “calories”. Food is about nourishing your body, but it’s also about nourishing your soul. Memories are made around the table - food is social and a means of celebration. It’s how we connect to the ones we love. When someone is struggling with an eating disorder, the “soul” is taken out of food and instead, it becomes about calculations and allowances and numbers. Their relationship with food might be too rigid or too chaotic. To help them heal, it’s important they understand there are no bad foods when it comes to weight. Again, lead by example.
If someone is talking about calories, dieting, exercise, or “bad” foods, try not to condone it. Change the subject or use the opportunity to educate them about how these conversations can be detrimental to someone who is working on healing their relationship with food.
5. Don’t try to reward or punish your loved one and do not become the food or purging police.
Don’t try to “fix” them or tell them to “just eat”. If your loved one needs support during meals, sit and eat with them. Try to avoid getting into a power struggle over food. They need you as an ally as they challenge their eating disorder self. Don’t “cheerlead” during meals or micromanage them because this can lead to secrecy and shame. Eating disorders thrive in secrecy, so do your best to provide a safe space for them to be open and honest with you.
6. Love them (but know that love alone will not heal them) and have patience.
Eating disorders are complex and your loved one might be fighting for their life. The eating disorder is not who they are - but it is a part of them that often feels very strong and overpowering. They probably feel scared, lost, and alone, even if they can’t or don’t express it. Be there for your loved one. Give them space to share their thoughts and feelings with you and validate them. Listen to them non-judgmentally, have compassion, and try to understand what they’re thinking and feeling.
Do not try to convince them they are wrong because they truly believe these things and probably feel a great deal of shame. Validate their feelings while gently challenging some of their distortions. Do not make it about you versus them or you versus the eating disorder- this only causes a power struggle and more resistance.
The fight is within them (the eating disorder self and the healthy self). Be there to support and help them strengthen their healthy self - always. Show them that they are loved and that you won’t give up on them. Remind them that they are worthy and enough, just the way they are. Recovery is not linear - show up for them, have patience, and don’t be attached to the results.
7. Help them see life outside of their eating disorder.
When someone is trapped in an eating disorder, it’s hard to see life outside of food and their body. Try not to make your entire relationship with your loved one about their eating disorder and do things with them that have nothing to do with food or their body. Watch a sunset together, walk along the beach and find shells, or pick sunflowers. Play their favorite board game or go to a park. Try to avoid activities where it’s easy for them to get stuck in their head, like watching TV.
Your loved one needs to see and want a life outside of their eating disorder. You can help them see what that life looks like because ultimately they will need to want a recovered life more than their eating disorder. But that is hard and takes time. Do things that you enjoy together- talk about life and love and things that make you both happy. We are all souls who happen to have bodies- show your loved one what that means and help them create a life they want to recover to.
As someone who has recovered from an eating disorder, I know how much it impacted my friendships and relationships. Don’t take your loved one’s behaviors personally. They are doing the best that they can, in this moment. Don’t give up on them and know that with treatment and support, full recovery is possible.
Hey there, I’m Lizzie, a CCI Certified Eating Disorder Recovery Coach working with clients virtually worldwide. I help individuals heal their relationship with food and their bodies through day-to-day behavior changes and goal setting.
